Getting on the List

So finally USC got in touch with my Dr. and I and we started the process of getting placed on the transplant list. I first went out to LA in the beginning of March and met up with the Hepatologist.

He's nice, and it was good to have that coming out of the appt with him. He did say that I didn't look as bad as what he thought he would see because of my charts that were sent over. So that kinda made me feel good. Like things were actually looking up. He did say that my levels were good that I would not 'qualify' for being placed on the Transplant list. However, because I'm only 32 he didn't want to take chances since I am more prone to getting sick and therefore have the need for the transplant but not be able to receive it because they didn't continue to put me on the list.

We then went back out to L.A. two weeks later to meet the rest of the team that would perform the surgery and then just financial and social workers. I will have to make one more trip out there for an evaluation but other then that we should be able to get most of the testing done here in Vegas.

Out in LA this last time my results came back with a MELD score of 14. Which it goes from 6-40. But my surgeron said that a completely healthy person could have a score of 10. She did then say also that they wouldn't even think of performing the surgery until I was at least at an 18 if not 20. But since I do have the option of liver donors they were really pushing for that to happen because the list versus donors it's just outweighing the other in which ppl are dying without even getting close to the transplant.

With that tho, my last results were showing good improvements so it's looking like my prescriptions are going on the right track finally, so my cordinator did say that hopefully they would continue this way and perhaps things would heal themselves or I at least would stay at this place and not need the transplant. We'll see how things go tho.

Out there I met with the Social worker, and things are only going to be getting more and more interesting. I do know that they want me to see a Therapist again .. and it's not that .. well I just don't know. I feel like it's a waste of money almost. Nothing productive came from it this last time. Which could be my fault. It was nice to be able to talk to someone who didn't know me from boo and could give suggestions. Only probably is a lot of those suggestions I went with and in the long run I think that it kind of put me in a bad place.

It was just the fact that even tho I was upset at things that had happened I had a least pushed aside. Maybe didn't really deal with them, but they were out of my mind, and then having to do this 'projects' made it all come crashing back down and I really didn't like the way it was going.

That's my problem with thinking about it now. Because I'm supposed to cope with having my autoimmune and having to possibly have a transplant. And which right now when I think about it I am PISSED OFF!! Ya that whole why me comes into play in which you know it wasn't something you did, but it's just like I feel like I could easily name 10 ppl in which something like this should happen to .. I know that's horrible but it just pisses me off. To get fucked over once again. And to know that there's a chance that I won't be around for my kids. To laugh with them, eat meals together, talk about their days, push them when they need pushed, and teaching them how they are to treat others (specially their future wives). To watch them play their sports or just laugh with their friends. To know that I probably won't see my grandchildren. Ya I'm fucking pissed!

My social worker asked me about how I thought I was handling things or acting. And I said fake. I said I'm in pretend world. Denial.

And it just pisses me off to hear about ppls bills or finacial problems and here I'm already having thousands of dollars in bills pilling up and then to have to continue to pay for meds. and then if I do have the procedure. Ya I'm so worried that you can't make your payments on this but you can go shopping or go on a vacation or whatnot. It's like I just at times what to say Fuck off. Don't even think about telling me your problems right now.

It's harder then hell right now too to get everything done. Testing and future appts. Not only mine but the kids. Having practices, school work, and still trying to let them have their fun with friends, when more then half the time I don't feel like getting out of my jams or bed.

Last thing I'm going to say here, is that my mother-in-law stated that I have AIH because I chose my lifestyle. Lets get one thing straight. I was gentically born with AIH. It had nothing to do with who I fucked or slept with before my husband, the fact that I did smoke MJ (very little but I did) or that I drink alcohol. Pretty sure if those were the qualtifications for someone to get AIH there would have been a hell of a lot more ppl before me and it would have been made known to everyone. What a stupid fucking bitch! And she better watch herself cuz at this point I won't be holding back. I am D-O-N-E with that bullshit!