So Christmas is looking pretty scary at this point. Not only am I worried about food and eating and just the whole situation that I am in, but here shit is going down.
My mother-in-law well I am not quite sure how to explain her. She lies constantly and doesn't even realize that she is lying. I mean here she said she voted for O'bama to then say that she only voted for him because Mc'Cain was going to die and she didn't want the V.P. to become President. Then the final was she didn't vote at all. She doesn't know what she ever says. And seriously if you don't lie you don't have to worry about what your saying or keeping your lies straight.
Then there is my sister-in-law. I guess I had a hard time because when I met everyone I was really happy. I was engaged and things seemed fine. but then being told what colors I could use in my wedding because of what looks good on my s-i-l .. shit I should have just said well don't be in it I'll have someone else instead of involving you.
And okay I'm not innocent in things. My husband and I have fought. I have been in the wrong at times and there is also things that he has done to me that I haven't quite forgiven. It's hard to try to forgive something that you just feel like you didn't deserve to be had to you. But the one thing that I have always tried to do is accept my faults and what I've done him wrong by. For him to have portrayed himself in a different way just gets my blood boiling. And then the fact that his mother can't see it. I've actually talked with her about things and no matter how hard it was for me to admit my faults to her I still did.. and here she has the audacity to say that I have something mentally wrong with me.. Um pretty sure I didn't have men coming in and out of my husbands house so I could get drugs. Nor have I had to be Alcohol dependent or prescription drug dependent. Ya I could go on.. oh like how you sat in the courts to allow your 17yr old to become dependent of the state instead of opening your home to him because in your words "I knew he wouldn't say yes". Really maybe you should have at least given him the option.
Okay.. enough about that.
So my whole thing is my brother-in-law is upset because both his mom and sister have said shit about his wife and he's over it. I also kinda feel like I might be getting dragged into it and I really hope that I am not. I don't have any issues with them. I have always gotta along with her and never have a problem. Just things seem like they will not end up well this year and I'm really not sure how to handle it.
I guess I just have to focus on myself and getting better for me. And my kids haha:) But that I can't take the bullshit anymore and I just have to concentrate on getting healthy again.. or healthy at least.. maybe not again because I don't know when that's been.
Well, wish me luck that's all I ask for. It's going to be interesting to say that least..
Monday, December 17, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Phones
I offically hate talking on the phone.
Good lord, it's like all I've had to do these past few weeks is talk to this person to talk to that person to call the other one back. I swear I'm getting the run around and I'm getting close to that point of I really don't F*cking care.
My insurance co. swore up and down that I was provided thru this one hospital out of L.A. but then my case manager said no. Called the insurance co. back a few more times and along with calling the Risk Management Co. Finally yesterday was told no that hopsital does NOT cover the procedure. So just in case today I called again to verify it, they agreed with the last statement, but then I get a call from the Risk Management saying no the hospital that I'm being told now isn't covered and the other one was. So then I have to call back to my insurance, was on hold forever, finally was told they'd call me back. When they did she said once again that I was covered under the one that they have recently told me. We shall see, because obviously I need to call back again and confirm it again and again.
Then my Dr. office said they sent out the packet to the hospital so be waiting to hear from them, but that they should be able to insure me also whether or not they are in network with my insurance. Fun Fun .. tell ya what.
My case worker calls and gives me a pretty fast low down on things. I was a bit overwhelmed. Trying to keep up with what she was saying and writting it down plus to making sure to ask questions that I didn't understand it. Just wow is mainly what I can say.
What I know of now tho, is that I'll probably be out for my consult in the next few weeks and it will be about 2 days long of doing tests, ranging from blood work to CT scans, to Xrays.
My sister wants to come out, which I kind of want her there as well. It would just help with having someone there with more knowledge on the medical aspect and being able to take themselves out of the equation to ask specific questions. But then also I kinda want her to stay with my kids because I'm not so sure how much I trust my mother-in-law.. that hasn't really turned out to well in the past.
And I found out too, that most likely after the procedure that I will have to stay in L.A. for about a month. I guess they might have a campus that I can stay at, which is one thing that I have to verify as well. But I wasn't expecting it to be that long. I guess I was thinking like a week a week and half and that I would be home and just have to take it easy. But I was wrong! So then I have to try and start figuring out what to do with the boys, and even then with Tom and work because he'll have vaca time but at the same time I wouldn't want him to miss so much work and not be around the boys. So that's another thing that I talked about with my sister. Figured maybe she could come out for a couple weeks or something and Tom could at least work half a days or something.
My friends down here too have been offering help, but I don't know how much they would be willing to help out either. And I don't want to burden them. Plus too, to think of going a month without seeing my kids, not so sure how up I am for that. I know it's better then dying but I haven't hardly been away from them at all.
Well that's it for now. Til the next update ..
Good lord, it's like all I've had to do these past few weeks is talk to this person to talk to that person to call the other one back. I swear I'm getting the run around and I'm getting close to that point of I really don't F*cking care.
My insurance co. swore up and down that I was provided thru this one hospital out of L.A. but then my case manager said no. Called the insurance co. back a few more times and along with calling the Risk Management Co. Finally yesterday was told no that hopsital does NOT cover the procedure. So just in case today I called again to verify it, they agreed with the last statement, but then I get a call from the Risk Management saying no the hospital that I'm being told now isn't covered and the other one was. So then I have to call back to my insurance, was on hold forever, finally was told they'd call me back. When they did she said once again that I was covered under the one that they have recently told me. We shall see, because obviously I need to call back again and confirm it again and again.
Then my Dr. office said they sent out the packet to the hospital so be waiting to hear from them, but that they should be able to insure me also whether or not they are in network with my insurance. Fun Fun .. tell ya what.
My case worker calls and gives me a pretty fast low down on things. I was a bit overwhelmed. Trying to keep up with what she was saying and writting it down plus to making sure to ask questions that I didn't understand it. Just wow is mainly what I can say.
What I know of now tho, is that I'll probably be out for my consult in the next few weeks and it will be about 2 days long of doing tests, ranging from blood work to CT scans, to Xrays.
My sister wants to come out, which I kind of want her there as well. It would just help with having someone there with more knowledge on the medical aspect and being able to take themselves out of the equation to ask specific questions. But then also I kinda want her to stay with my kids because I'm not so sure how much I trust my mother-in-law.. that hasn't really turned out to well in the past.
And I found out too, that most likely after the procedure that I will have to stay in L.A. for about a month. I guess they might have a campus that I can stay at, which is one thing that I have to verify as well. But I wasn't expecting it to be that long. I guess I was thinking like a week a week and half and that I would be home and just have to take it easy. But I was wrong! So then I have to try and start figuring out what to do with the boys, and even then with Tom and work because he'll have vaca time but at the same time I wouldn't want him to miss so much work and not be around the boys. So that's another thing that I talked about with my sister. Figured maybe she could come out for a couple weeks or something and Tom could at least work half a days or something.
My friends down here too have been offering help, but I don't know how much they would be willing to help out either. And I don't want to burden them. Plus too, to think of going a month without seeing my kids, not so sure how up I am for that. I know it's better then dying but I haven't hardly been away from them at all.
Well that's it for now. Til the next update ..
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Tried to Pretend
So I've basically be living like this information wasn't handed to me and that everything was honky dory. Like is perfect .. right?! hah.
Well, the past week I've been in and out. When I'm in I'm constantly on the phone between my insurance company, my doctors, and my case manager. Oh and I almost forgot leaving constantly messages with the Risk Manager to find out what hospital I can go to.
We basically have chosen one. It's hard you know. Trying to pick and chose hopsitals that are supposed to be good for you to go to to have operations, and just feeling really hopeless and not having a clue really for what you should actually be looking at.
Anyways. I will try again to contact everyone tomorrow and then it's set up my Consult time. So then I need to prepare for questions on that and that alone is just messing with my head. I'm not sure what is important what I might leave out. Trying to get everything set up on the homefront here and figure out how I'm going to get thru all of this. I just honestly want someone to blindfold me and just take care of everything. Make the deicions for me. I never was good at making decisions.. just always went with the whatever sounds good type thing.
The problem is really that the past few days I have just tried to relax and forget about it. And to a point I have. I mean it's kind of something that you can't FORGET FORGET.. but there are definetly times that I can just not think about it. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not tho. Mainly because there is so much that I need to figure out and get grasp with that taking this road of like nothing is going on isn't helping I'm sure.
And I did tell my mother-in-law. Not sure how I feel about that tho. She's annoyed me a lot lately and I just was uncomfortable in the situation that I felt obligated to say something before everything came all about. Of course, it didn't matter to say I only know this much nothing more, and for some reason everyone thinks that I should have answers to all the other questions. It's like hello!!! I'm asking the same thing in my head but I have to wait to find out from the doctor, so shut up! And of course I told her not to tell anyone until I was ready to tell them. Which is a bit of me being a bitch, mainly because I know she's going to go blab her mouth and in that case I get to rip her open a new one and let her know what I think.. I know I know.. childish. Can't help myself sometimes.
So this past almost week I haven't eaten correctly, and you can tell. good lord I've almost gained a total of 40lbs since the beginning of Aug. Really sucks too.. I got used to being that small and then now to have clothes not fit and to look fat is just really upsetting alone.
It's hard tho to stay to the diet. And right now too I'm always hungry but nothing tastes good either so I just end up eating a whole variety of things, which I'm sure isn't good either. Well I know it's not because blood work is showing it. And some of the food I don't mind. It's mainly that dealing with my ED. and then not being able to act on it .. just gets frustrating. I don't know what happened and I feel like I am a failure. That something I had complete control over for 18 yrs was suddenly riped away from me and I can't figure out how to get it back no matter how hard I try.
WEll I guess I could go on and on and on, but I'll leave it at this. I've lived in my pretend world long enough. I have a lot of hard decisions to make and I'm sure a lot of phone calls to make. Including taking the kids to practicies and also making sure I'm taking care of myself. I still want to live in pretend world, but I guess there comes a time when you just have to face what life has given to you and work your way thru it. Hopefully I will work my way through it just fine. *fingers crossed*
Well, the past week I've been in and out. When I'm in I'm constantly on the phone between my insurance company, my doctors, and my case manager. Oh and I almost forgot leaving constantly messages with the Risk Manager to find out what hospital I can go to.
We basically have chosen one. It's hard you know. Trying to pick and chose hopsitals that are supposed to be good for you to go to to have operations, and just feeling really hopeless and not having a clue really for what you should actually be looking at.
Anyways. I will try again to contact everyone tomorrow and then it's set up my Consult time. So then I need to prepare for questions on that and that alone is just messing with my head. I'm not sure what is important what I might leave out. Trying to get everything set up on the homefront here and figure out how I'm going to get thru all of this. I just honestly want someone to blindfold me and just take care of everything. Make the deicions for me. I never was good at making decisions.. just always went with the whatever sounds good type thing.
The problem is really that the past few days I have just tried to relax and forget about it. And to a point I have. I mean it's kind of something that you can't FORGET FORGET.. but there are definetly times that I can just not think about it. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not tho. Mainly because there is so much that I need to figure out and get grasp with that taking this road of like nothing is going on isn't helping I'm sure.
And I did tell my mother-in-law. Not sure how I feel about that tho. She's annoyed me a lot lately and I just was uncomfortable in the situation that I felt obligated to say something before everything came all about. Of course, it didn't matter to say I only know this much nothing more, and for some reason everyone thinks that I should have answers to all the other questions. It's like hello!!! I'm asking the same thing in my head but I have to wait to find out from the doctor, so shut up! And of course I told her not to tell anyone until I was ready to tell them. Which is a bit of me being a bitch, mainly because I know she's going to go blab her mouth and in that case I get to rip her open a new one and let her know what I think.. I know I know.. childish. Can't help myself sometimes.
So this past almost week I haven't eaten correctly, and you can tell. good lord I've almost gained a total of 40lbs since the beginning of Aug. Really sucks too.. I got used to being that small and then now to have clothes not fit and to look fat is just really upsetting alone.
It's hard tho to stay to the diet. And right now too I'm always hungry but nothing tastes good either so I just end up eating a whole variety of things, which I'm sure isn't good either. Well I know it's not because blood work is showing it. And some of the food I don't mind. It's mainly that dealing with my ED. and then not being able to act on it .. just gets frustrating. I don't know what happened and I feel like I am a failure. That something I had complete control over for 18 yrs was suddenly riped away from me and I can't figure out how to get it back no matter how hard I try.
WEll I guess I could go on and on and on, but I'll leave it at this. I've lived in my pretend world long enough. I have a lot of hard decisions to make and I'm sure a lot of phone calls to make. Including taking the kids to practicies and also making sure I'm taking care of myself. I still want to live in pretend world, but I guess there comes a time when you just have to face what life has given to you and work your way thru it. Hopefully I will work my way through it just fine. *fingers crossed*
Saturday, December 1, 2012
The News
Guess it actually starts back at the end of July 2012 beginning of August 2012.
I had went back home because we were having a family discussion about our parents and just getting everything in order for when they are no longer here. Then I got bombbarded with questions dealing on my health. See I've been bulimic at that time for 18 yrs. I had just started seeking out help a little over a year before that and I was having good days and horrible weeks at times.
When I got back home, for some reason I started feeling bad right away. Within a few days I couldn't act out on my Ed which was frustrating but then I just kept gaining weight each day, no matter what I ate. I went to my doctors and I was retaining water. To make a long story short, I ended up in the ER about 3 weeks later and they found out that I had an autoimmune disease that affects my liver which then caused problems for my kidneys and my heart. I was in the hospital for 5 days, they needed to get my sodium levels up because they were so low that I shouldn't have even been comprehending anything but I felt just fine.
Since then it's been hard. I am on a strick low sodium high protein diet. Which you would never know how much salt is in food until you have to start looking at it. Then it just takes all options of food that you liked right out the door to never touch again. Frustrating is what it is.
So I try. As hard as I can. Letting go of a way I used to do things every day to having to do it another in a snap of a finger.. well it doesn't happen as easily as it sounds .. haha. I found new foods that I liked, but still craved chocolate every once in awhile. Or just even a bagel.
Well, to get to the point of things. I went in for a route check up. I had blood work done, which also has become a route thing. The nurse that called said that they wanted my husband there, but he couldn't take the time off. I luckily got a babsitter or so I thought.. they never showed up and I was almost late for my appt, but made it right on time with my youngest. My doctor showed me my results and they were bad. Just about on every level that you could think of it was not good. So then he says, you need to get on the Liver Transplant List. I was caught of gaurd by it. I mean what do you ask. I was just like okay.. and I asked a few questions like what all needed to be done. The nurse explained more, but basically that I needed to get in touch with my insurance to find out which place in CA. was covered. That only took two days because I kept getting the run around. And then to say the least.. I'm lost. I thought this would all go away. I thought for some reason I would go back to the way I was beforehand and things would just be normal for me. That obviously didn't happen.
So here I am, just basically mad. Mad at myself mad at why mad because I don't feel like I deserve it. It's not like I think I'm all that great but I don't see what I did to deserve this. Mad because I was selfish for so long that there's a real good possibility that my children are going to just know me by pictures and nothing more. That I won't see them thru their big milestones in life. Just can't stand the whole thing.
Then I didn't know what to do. I mean I totally had a panic attack in the car .. crying not being able to breath my kids asking what was wrong and I can't explain it to the younger two. Brayden I told and I know he doesn't grasp the whole thing nor would I want him to. But I just feel like I'm taking so much away from them. Like I'm still being selfish because now I'm forking out money to stay or get healthy and I'm taking away what could be going to them.
As of today tho. I was told I have a case manager, or well one that is going to be contacting me this next week. That they will give me information and then I will continue on to go have my consult. over in CA. And again there I'm told I'll receive a lot of information on things. So I'm just in a stuck mode right now of not knowing.
Oh and lastly. The thing I hate the most about it all, is the pos. reassurment from others. Mainly my husband. He's like I just know everythings going to be fine. I finally had to tell him to SHUT UP! It's like you don't know. He says well I didn't know what to say and I just said sometimes saying nothing goes a long ways. Then I have my sister who wants to 'correct' everything. Which annoys me too. I mean I get the helpfullness, but at the same time I don't know much so stop it for awhile. Let me get my head wrapped around this and start getting some answers before I have you telling me what to do. My mom has been different tho. It's strange how she gets me in this circumstance. She understands I don't want to talk about it and how I'm feeling. She probably said the most reassuring thing was you are strong we'll get thru this. That alone took me back. That's not normal of my mom growing up so to hear it was just like thanks. And also for her to know her boundaries and also trying to set up boundaries for my brothers and my sister for that fact is comforting.
Well, til I find out more info. I guess I'm stuck. I never knew how many tears I had until recently hah.
I had went back home because we were having a family discussion about our parents and just getting everything in order for when they are no longer here. Then I got bombbarded with questions dealing on my health. See I've been bulimic at that time for 18 yrs. I had just started seeking out help a little over a year before that and I was having good days and horrible weeks at times.
When I got back home, for some reason I started feeling bad right away. Within a few days I couldn't act out on my Ed which was frustrating but then I just kept gaining weight each day, no matter what I ate. I went to my doctors and I was retaining water. To make a long story short, I ended up in the ER about 3 weeks later and they found out that I had an autoimmune disease that affects my liver which then caused problems for my kidneys and my heart. I was in the hospital for 5 days, they needed to get my sodium levels up because they were so low that I shouldn't have even been comprehending anything but I felt just fine.
Since then it's been hard. I am on a strick low sodium high protein diet. Which you would never know how much salt is in food until you have to start looking at it. Then it just takes all options of food that you liked right out the door to never touch again. Frustrating is what it is.
So I try. As hard as I can. Letting go of a way I used to do things every day to having to do it another in a snap of a finger.. well it doesn't happen as easily as it sounds .. haha. I found new foods that I liked, but still craved chocolate every once in awhile. Or just even a bagel.
Well, to get to the point of things. I went in for a route check up. I had blood work done, which also has become a route thing. The nurse that called said that they wanted my husband there, but he couldn't take the time off. I luckily got a babsitter or so I thought.. they never showed up and I was almost late for my appt, but made it right on time with my youngest. My doctor showed me my results and they were bad. Just about on every level that you could think of it was not good. So then he says, you need to get on the Liver Transplant List. I was caught of gaurd by it. I mean what do you ask. I was just like okay.. and I asked a few questions like what all needed to be done. The nurse explained more, but basically that I needed to get in touch with my insurance to find out which place in CA. was covered. That only took two days because I kept getting the run around. And then to say the least.. I'm lost. I thought this would all go away. I thought for some reason I would go back to the way I was beforehand and things would just be normal for me. That obviously didn't happen.
So here I am, just basically mad. Mad at myself mad at why mad because I don't feel like I deserve it. It's not like I think I'm all that great but I don't see what I did to deserve this. Mad because I was selfish for so long that there's a real good possibility that my children are going to just know me by pictures and nothing more. That I won't see them thru their big milestones in life. Just can't stand the whole thing.
Then I didn't know what to do. I mean I totally had a panic attack in the car .. crying not being able to breath my kids asking what was wrong and I can't explain it to the younger two. Brayden I told and I know he doesn't grasp the whole thing nor would I want him to. But I just feel like I'm taking so much away from them. Like I'm still being selfish because now I'm forking out money to stay or get healthy and I'm taking away what could be going to them.
As of today tho. I was told I have a case manager, or well one that is going to be contacting me this next week. That they will give me information and then I will continue on to go have my consult. over in CA. And again there I'm told I'll receive a lot of information on things. So I'm just in a stuck mode right now of not knowing.
Oh and lastly. The thing I hate the most about it all, is the pos. reassurment from others. Mainly my husband. He's like I just know everythings going to be fine. I finally had to tell him to SHUT UP! It's like you don't know. He says well I didn't know what to say and I just said sometimes saying nothing goes a long ways. Then I have my sister who wants to 'correct' everything. Which annoys me too. I mean I get the helpfullness, but at the same time I don't know much so stop it for awhile. Let me get my head wrapped around this and start getting some answers before I have you telling me what to do. My mom has been different tho. It's strange how she gets me in this circumstance. She understands I don't want to talk about it and how I'm feeling. She probably said the most reassuring thing was you are strong we'll get thru this. That alone took me back. That's not normal of my mom growing up so to hear it was just like thanks. And also for her to know her boundaries and also trying to set up boundaries for my brothers and my sister for that fact is comforting.
Well, til I find out more info. I guess I'm stuck. I never knew how many tears I had until recently hah.
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