The News

Guess it actually starts back at the end of July 2012 beginning of August 2012.

I had went back home because we were having a family discussion about our parents and just getting everything in order for when they are no longer here. Then I got bombbarded with questions dealing on my health. See I've been bulimic at that time for 18 yrs. I had just started seeking out help a little over a year before that and I was having good days and horrible weeks at times.

When I got back home, for some reason I started feeling bad right away. Within a few days I couldn't act out on my Ed which was frustrating but then I just kept gaining weight each day, no matter what I ate. I went to my doctors and I was retaining water. To make a long story short, I ended up in the ER about 3 weeks later and they found out that I had an autoimmune disease that affects my liver which then caused problems for my kidneys and my heart. I was in the hospital for 5 days, they needed to get my sodium levels up because they were so low that I shouldn't have even been comprehending anything but I felt just fine.

Since then it's been hard. I am on a strick low sodium high protein diet. Which you would never know how much salt is in food until you have to start looking at it. Then it just takes all options of food that you liked right out the door to never touch again. Frustrating is what it is.

So I try. As hard as I can. Letting go of a way I used to do things every day to having to do it another in a snap of a finger.. well it doesn't happen as easily as it sounds .. haha. I found new foods that I liked, but still craved chocolate every once in awhile. Or just even a bagel.

Well, to get to the point of things. I went in for a route check up. I had blood work done, which also has become a route thing. The nurse that called said that they wanted my husband there, but he couldn't take the time off. I luckily got a babsitter or so I thought.. they never showed up and I was almost late for my appt, but made it right on time with my youngest. My doctor showed me my results and they were bad. Just about on every level that you could think of it was not good. So then he says, you need to get on the Liver Transplant List. I was caught of gaurd by it. I mean what do you ask. I was just like okay.. and I asked a few questions like what all needed to be done. The nurse explained more, but basically that I needed to get in touch with my insurance to find out which place in CA. was covered. That only took two days because I kept getting the run around. And then to say the least.. I'm lost. I thought this would all go away. I thought for some reason I would go back to the way I was beforehand and things would just be normal for me. That obviously didn't happen.

So here I am, just basically mad. Mad at myself mad at why mad because I don't feel like I deserve it. It's not like I think I'm all that great but I don't see what I did to deserve this. Mad because I was selfish for so long that there's a real good possibility that my children are going to just know me by pictures and nothing more. That I won't see them thru their big milestones in life. Just can't stand the whole thing.

Then I didn't know what to do. I mean I totally had a panic attack in the car .. crying not being able to breath my kids asking what was wrong and I can't explain it to the younger two. Brayden I told and I know he doesn't grasp the whole thing nor would I want him to. But I just feel like I'm taking so much away from them. Like I'm still being selfish because now I'm forking out money to stay or get healthy and I'm taking away what could be going to them.

As of today tho. I was told I have a case manager, or well one that is going to be contacting me this next week. That they will give me information and then I will continue on to go have my consult. over in CA. And again there I'm told I'll receive a lot of information on things. So I'm just in a stuck mode right now of not knowing.

Oh and lastly. The thing I hate the most about it all, is the pos. reassurment from others. Mainly my husband. He's like I just know everythings going to be fine. I finally had to tell him to SHUT UP! It's like you don't know. He says well I didn't know what to say and I just said sometimes saying nothing goes a long ways. Then I have my sister who wants to 'correct' everything. Which annoys me too. I mean I get the helpfullness, but at the same time I don't know much so stop it for awhile. Let me get my head wrapped around this and start getting some answers before I have you telling me what to do. My mom has been different tho. It's strange how she gets me in this circumstance. She understands I don't want to talk about it and how I'm feeling. She probably said the most reassuring thing was you are strong we'll get thru this. That alone took me back. That's not normal of my mom growing up so to hear it was just like thanks. And also for her to know her boundaries and also trying to set up boundaries for my brothers and my sister for that fact is comforting.

Well, til I find out more info. I guess I'm stuck. I never knew how many tears I had until recently hah.