Tried to Pretend

So I've basically be living like this information wasn't handed to me and that everything was honky dory. Like is perfect .. right?! hah.

Well, the past week I've been in and out. When I'm in I'm constantly on the phone between my insurance company, my doctors, and my case manager. Oh and I almost forgot leaving constantly messages with the Risk Manager to find out what hospital I can go to.

We basically have chosen one. It's hard you know. Trying to pick and chose hopsitals that are supposed to be good for you to go to to have operations, and just feeling really hopeless and not having a clue really for what you should actually be looking at.

Anyways. I will try again to contact everyone tomorrow and then it's set up my Consult time. So then I need to prepare for questions on that and that alone is just messing with my head. I'm not sure what is important what I might leave out. Trying to get everything set up on the homefront here and figure out how I'm going to get thru all of this. I just honestly want someone to blindfold me and just take care of everything. Make the deicions for me. I never was good at making decisions.. just always went with the whatever sounds good type thing.

The problem is really that the past few days I have just tried to relax and forget about it. And to a point I have. I mean it's kind of something that you can't FORGET FORGET.. but there are definetly times that I can just not think about it. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not tho. Mainly because there is so much that I need to figure out and get grasp with that taking this road of like nothing is going on isn't helping I'm sure.

And I did tell my mother-in-law. Not sure how I feel about that tho. She's annoyed me a lot lately and I just was uncomfortable in the situation that I felt obligated to say something before everything came all about. Of course, it didn't matter to say I only know this much nothing more, and for some reason everyone thinks that I should have answers to all the other questions. It's like hello!!! I'm asking the same thing in my head but I have to wait to find out from the doctor, so shut up! And of course I told her not to tell anyone until I was ready to tell them. Which is a bit of me being a bitch, mainly because I know she's going to go blab her mouth and in that case I get to rip her open a new one and let her know what I think.. I know I know.. childish. Can't help myself sometimes.

So this past almost week I haven't eaten correctly, and you can tell. good lord I've almost gained a total of 40lbs since the beginning of Aug. Really sucks too.. I got used to being that small and then now to have clothes not fit and to look fat is just really upsetting alone.

It's hard tho to stay to the diet. And right now too I'm always hungry but nothing tastes good either so I just end up eating a whole variety of things, which I'm sure isn't good either. Well I know it's not because blood work is showing it. And some of the food I don't mind. It's mainly that dealing with my ED. and then not being able to act on it .. just gets frustrating. I don't know what happened and I feel like I am a failure. That something I had complete control over for 18 yrs was suddenly riped away from me and I can't figure out how to get it back no matter how hard I try.

WEll I guess I could go on and on and on, but I'll leave it at this. I've lived in my pretend world long enough. I have a lot of hard decisions to make and I'm sure a lot of phone calls to make. Including taking the kids to practicies and also making sure I'm taking care of myself. I still want to live in pretend world, but I guess there comes a time when you just have to face what life has given to you and work your way thru it. Hopefully I will work my way through it just fine. *fingers crossed*